It’s lunchtime on the 10th of July. The most outlandish prognostications regarding the outcome of the general election have come to pass—Labour win the biggest landslide in British history, the Tories are reduced to a rump of a rump in third place, barely besting the fading SNP, surging Reform UK, and the abstentionist Sinn Féin in terms of seats.
The legions of Labour MPs amassed behind the smiling figure of Prime Minister Keir Starmer cannot all fit on the green benches, both as a consequence of their sheer numbers, but also because of Winston Churchill’s instructions during reconstruction of the chamber in the aftermath of the Second World War.
Opposite the new PM, Angela Rayner, Rachel Reeves et al are faces neither they nor their counterparts would have ever expected; Ed Davey, the breakout ‘human’ star of the campaign with the mask of a clown, looks back across the threshold, half in a kind of dazed disbelief, half in a reverie that his mission to restore the Liberal Democrats’ fortunes had been fulfilled and then some.
The raucous gathering of parliamentarians on both sides quietens down for a split second when the Speaker Lindsay Hoyle announces the official beginning of Prime Minister’s Questions. Alex Bulat, the newly elected, Romanian-born Labour MP for Huntingdon (John Major’s old constituency), rises to her feet briefly to utter '“Number 1, Mr. Speaker”, allowing Starmer the chance to reel off a list of engagements with his freshly formed cabinet and other stakeholders. She stands up again, paying tribute to the late Jo Cox, and asks her leader whether he will govern in the interests of the country over the narrower interests of the party. Naturally, he agrees, taking the time to deliver both a brief but rousing speech about how every elected representative has more in common than that which divides them, whilst also gently sticking the boot into his predecessors.
As loudly and full-throated the support he receives for this is, it is soon snuffed out in anticipation of what comes next. The two-second gap between the cacophony and the next phase of PMQs feels like it stretches on forever, disappearing over the horizon in a haze to match the heatwave central London is experiencing.
Hoyle gets to his feet, and, with a slight glint in his eye, utters a sentence no-one but the the most wildly optimistic Lib Dem member ever thought they would hear.
Hoyle: “And now we come to the Leader of the Opposition, Ed Davey!”
The cheers come from those alongside and behind him, but also from sections of the Labour contingent and other opposition parties, though their reasons for doing so vary wildly.
Davey: “Thank you very much, Mr. Speaker. May I take this opportunity to congratulate the Prime Minister on his successful election, and also to take a moment to echo his words on both the late Jo Cox, and to make that a central part of what I intend to do from this despatch box, and also more widely in my time as Leader of the Opposition. Being honest, I didn’t expect this either, but I intend to make the most of this opportunity by helping to usher in a return to a more restrained, sensible politics. My party and I will be critical friends to the Right Honourable Gentleman and his when we feel he could be bolder and go further, and hold him to account when we oppose his plans. With all of that said, will he promise to work cross-party on social care so we can sort this out once and for all?”
Starmer: “What a difference a total realignment of British politics makes, Mr. Speaker! I welcome and thank the Right Honourable Gentleman for his remarks, both in congratulating me and regarding Jo Cox. As for his question on social care… yes, of course. No single party has all the answers to one of the biggest problems facing our great country. One of the first and most urgent priorities my government has is helping to tackle this. He will know from personal experience and political reality that it will take years for any real effects to be felt, but this is something we’re determined to get right. The Health Secretary will set out how this will be done prior to the summer recess in this House.”
Davey: “Mr. Speaker, I thank him for his answer, and hope all of our exchanges in this chamber will be just as warm and constructive, although I suspect this might not always be the case! Turning now to another Liberal Democrat priority: making everyone’s votes fair and equal. Nearly 80% of the seats in this House were won by the party opposite on just over 40% of the vote. Now, I’m sure I already know the answer to this question, but given how unfair that is—not just to my party but the others on these benches, and also given that a majority of Labour party members back electoral reform, is this something he’s prepared to look at?”
Starmer: “Mr. Speaker, we as a government are committed to restoring decency and proper standards in public life. In time, there will be a comprehensive review of the ways which we can make working life better for everyone in the Houses of Parliament, as well as more widely restoring public trust in our politics. I make absolutely no promises whatsoever regarding changing the electoral system as part of that review, and that in itself is not a priority for me or the government.”
Davey: “It would’ve been utterly remiss of me as leader of my party not to at least ask the question, Mr. Speaker, though I do welcome the Right Honourable Gentleman’s commitment to making this chamber and the other place a better, more secure environment for everyone to work in. Turning to another area that needs urgent review, can he tell the House what his plans are regarding Thames Water?”
Starmer: “We agree that the sewage scandal is a blight on our great country, Mr. Speaker. There are no plans to nationalise Thames Water as it would cost billions of pounds that we simply do not have. Instead, we will look to replace Ofwat, which has utterly failed in its remit to regulate the private water companies including Thames Water, with a far stronger regulator, with the powers not just to fine polluters, but also to put them into special measures when and where they persistently fail to clean up their act. I’m sure we will have the support of the party opposite.”
Davey: “Yes, they will, Mr. Speaker, though we stress that none of the potential financial fallout with what happens to Thames Water falls on ordinary working people’s shoulders. They got themselves into this mess, they need to get themselves out of it, which also means an end to rewarding shareholders for persistent failure to clean up their act. Another area that the disastrous previous government oversaw managed decline of is access to NHS dentists. The Right Honourable Gentleman will be keenly aware that there are many areas of the country where it is impossible for families, especially children, to even get on a waiting list to be seen by an NHS dentist even reasonably close to where they live. Can he outline his plans to address this?”
Starmer: “I can indeed. Mr. Speaker, you will be aware that the previous government made the most common reason children between the ages of five and nine are currently admitted to hospital is to have rotting teeth removed. That is an absolute scandal, Mr. Speaker. Our strategy is to come in with a rescue plan to provide 700,000 more urgent dental appointments and recruit new dentists to areas that need them most. In the longer term, we will reform the dental contract, shifting the focus to prevention alongside the retention of NHS dentists. We will also introduce a supervised tooth-brushing scheme for three to five-year-olds, targeting the areas of highest need. Again Mr. Speaker, some of this will take years to have any noticeable effect, but we are determined to repair the damage the previous administration wrought.”
Davey: “I thank him for his answer and his refreshing honesty in answering it, Mr. Speaker. Let’s hope this is the new standard for these exchanges! Moving now to Putin’s despicable war in Ukraine, can he reaffirm his commitment to doing everything in both his and his government’s power to support President Zelenskyy for as long as it takes?”
Starmer: “Mr. Speaker, I would hope that everyone in this new parliament (he looks over to Nigel Farage for a brief moment) remains steadfast and staunch supporters of our allies in Ukraine. I have of course spoken to President Zelenskyy since becoming Prime Minister, and alongside reiterating our promise to give him all the support he needs to drive Putin’s forces out of the country, I also stressed that we need to build up our own armed forces, which were decimated by the Tories. Again, it will take time—that’s the boring answer but the only honest one, too. As part of the Strategic Defence Review, we will set out exactly how we’ll bring spending back up to 2.5% of GDP in the lifetime of this parliament.”
Davey: “I can assure the Right Honourable Gentleman that the Liberal Democrats will be with him and the government every step of the way on this issue, Mr. Speaker. For my final question, I must turn to the government’s plans for growth. Whilst we’re outside of both the European single market and customs union, we’re going to struggle as a country to really get the economy moving. Does he agree with me that even just signing up for schemes like Erasmus Plus would represent a step in the right direction?”
Starmer: “Ah… now Mr. Speaker, here I must beg to differ. I am totally committed to making Brexit work for our country, and firmly believe that we can kickstart economic growth whilst being fully outside the EU. We will of course work more closely and cooperatively with our European partners when and where we need to, but the Chancellor will set out in her Autumn Statement our plan to get things moving again.”
Of course, this is all in my head, and will never actually come to pass. PMQs will remain an unedifying, warped characterisation of the House of Commons at its very worst, regardless of who’s in power and who the official opposition leader is. Then again, stranger things have happened…
Later this week, I’ll be predicting the outcome of every single seat in next week’s general election. Be sure to subscribe to get that delivered straight to your inbox. Then, please do come back after all the fun of that night to laugh at how wrong I was!